Dear you,
Today we talked. And although I tried, I couldn't resist falling into that temptation of being friendly with you. I miss you. I miss talking to you.
But I know that I can't get used to this. I can't let myself be fooled. Because if I do, when you decide to leave me it will be so much harder. So I'm trying to keep my distance from you.
Tonight you promised that even if you did break up with me we'd still be friends. You are so naive. Do you know how many times I've heard that line? "I'll always be there for you, " or "We'll still talk," or "I'll keep in touch." It's all bullshit. No one keeps in touch, no one is there for you and you're never still friends.
You keep saying that you'd be a fool to not to pick me. Ha. I've heard that before too. From my own father. And from people talking to me about my father. About how it was his loss. As if I lost nothing from his absence. That line is what people use to justify their weakness. They try to make you feel better by trying to make it sound as if you didn't really lose a lot by not being with them. It's a load of crap.
For a while, I lived in the past. Then I lived in the future. All I thought about was our future together. The things we'd do, the places we'd go...
Now I am living in the present. I can't look beyond the next hour. I can't look because it hurts too much to think of what my future would be like without you. I can't even handle the present without you.
I love you, I do. But I just can't do this for much longer. It hurts too much.
-me
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Day 3
Dear you,
Today I ran out the sadness. It felt good. Still, I cannot help but think of how I never dreamed we'd be here. I thought I knew where my life was heading, I thought we were headed in the same direction. I thought we were on the same page. When did we start to fall apart? I wish I knew. I thought you would be the one to stay with me forever. I thought I had finally found the one who wouldn't leave me. It kills me to think I was wrong. Especially after all these years.
I have spent my whole life waiting for people to come back to me, waiting for someone to rescue me. No one ever came. So I learned to stop waiting, to stop expecting people to come for me. I learned to be strong. I learned how to be okay being alone. I never relied on anyone, I never put my faith in anyone.
And then there was you. It took be a while but one day I found myself trusting in you, trusting that you wouldn't leave me, that you would always come back for me. And you did. Until now.
If life were like the movies, you would come back to me. It would be some sort of romantic moment where I'd be standing on the beach or in a train station and all of a sudden you would appear in the crowd. And you'd ask me to be yours forever. There'd be tears and happiness and a future to look forward too.
But I know enough not to expect that moment to happen. Still...I hope it will.
If you do decide to return, how will we get over this? This "break"? I don't know if I can or will. You don't realize it, but you broke that faith I had in you. You broke me. How are you going to fix that? How are you going to fix me; us?
It's only been 3 days and yet it feels like a lifetime. It feels like a lifetime ago we were eating crepes and drinking smoothies...but it was only a week. It feels like so long.
I wonder what you are doing. I wonder if you miss me, if you are sad. I wonder if you will need this whole month to figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. I wonder if you will leave me forever.
I wonder.
-Me
Today I ran out the sadness. It felt good. Still, I cannot help but think of how I never dreamed we'd be here. I thought I knew where my life was heading, I thought we were headed in the same direction. I thought we were on the same page. When did we start to fall apart? I wish I knew. I thought you would be the one to stay with me forever. I thought I had finally found the one who wouldn't leave me. It kills me to think I was wrong. Especially after all these years.
I have spent my whole life waiting for people to come back to me, waiting for someone to rescue me. No one ever came. So I learned to stop waiting, to stop expecting people to come for me. I learned to be strong. I learned how to be okay being alone. I never relied on anyone, I never put my faith in anyone.
And then there was you. It took be a while but one day I found myself trusting in you, trusting that you wouldn't leave me, that you would always come back for me. And you did. Until now.
If life were like the movies, you would come back to me. It would be some sort of romantic moment where I'd be standing on the beach or in a train station and all of a sudden you would appear in the crowd. And you'd ask me to be yours forever. There'd be tears and happiness and a future to look forward too.
But I know enough not to expect that moment to happen. Still...I hope it will.
If you do decide to return, how will we get over this? This "break"? I don't know if I can or will. You don't realize it, but you broke that faith I had in you. You broke me. How are you going to fix that? How are you going to fix me; us?
It's only been 3 days and yet it feels like a lifetime. It feels like a lifetime ago we were eating crepes and drinking smoothies...but it was only a week. It feels like so long.
I wonder what you are doing. I wonder if you miss me, if you are sad. I wonder if you will need this whole month to figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. I wonder if you will leave me forever.
I wonder.
-Me
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Day 2
Dear you,
Yesterday I baked. Today I sewed. I finally figured out the old sewing machine and am doing some trial runs. I finished a banner and last night I finished my first bag. They're just practice runs but they came out pretty good. I finally got the machine to sew right side up...I have no idea HOW that happened but it did. I think the score is something like Me: 2 Sewing machine: 50. Haha. I can't wait until I get the one that I bought. Hopefully it will be a little easier to manipulate.
I can't figure out how to add people to my Twitter account. Actually, the only person I could add was my professor. Hmm.
It's rainy but we're still going to go to the beach later on. I don't really want to but I figure it's better than staying here...
All I can think about it all the stuff I want to do with you. Like take swing dancing classes. They have them at the community school. We would like swing dancing together--that was always our best dance when we took ballroom. I wish you were here to take swing dancing with.
My throat really hurts. I gargled some salt water and a really big chunk of my throat came out...I wanted to call you and tell you but I can't.
I need to start reading for school but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't really bring myself to do anything that requires me thinking about the future. The future without you, that is. So today I am sewing. It's soothing...the clacking of the machine, pushing the fabric under the needle. It's hard to think when you're sewing.
I wonder what you are doing today. I hope you are thinking about what you want. I know you said that a month long break was too short for you, but I don't think I can make it a month. I don' t think I can make it a week.
If this is just a break, if we're not breaking up, then why does it feel so terrible?
-me
Yesterday I baked. Today I sewed. I finally figured out the old sewing machine and am doing some trial runs. I finished a banner and last night I finished my first bag. They're just practice runs but they came out pretty good. I finally got the machine to sew right side up...I have no idea HOW that happened but it did. I think the score is something like Me: 2 Sewing machine: 50. Haha. I can't wait until I get the one that I bought. Hopefully it will be a little easier to manipulate.
I can't figure out how to add people to my Twitter account. Actually, the only person I could add was my professor. Hmm.
It's rainy but we're still going to go to the beach later on. I don't really want to but I figure it's better than staying here...
All I can think about it all the stuff I want to do with you. Like take swing dancing classes. They have them at the community school. We would like swing dancing together--that was always our best dance when we took ballroom. I wish you were here to take swing dancing with.
My throat really hurts. I gargled some salt water and a really big chunk of my throat came out...I wanted to call you and tell you but I can't.
I need to start reading for school but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't really bring myself to do anything that requires me thinking about the future. The future without you, that is. So today I am sewing. It's soothing...the clacking of the machine, pushing the fabric under the needle. It's hard to think when you're sewing.
I wonder what you are doing today. I hope you are thinking about what you want. I know you said that a month long break was too short for you, but I don't think I can make it a month. I don' t think I can make it a week.
If this is just a break, if we're not breaking up, then why does it feel so terrible?
-me
Friday, August 21, 2009
Day 1
Dear you,
Today, I baked. Well, I cooked. I made pesto potato salad (you would have loved it), gazpacho, and peach muffins. I also tried out a recipe for fruit leather--you know, that dried fruit stuff I used to always get at the supermarket. Everything was pretty good, minus the fruit leather. The fruit leather was a disaster.
You texted me and told me you told your family. I haven't told mine, I can't bear it. I signed up for a Twitter account today, for one of my classes. I can't really imagine myself twittering.
I called the school I applied to a job at and left a message asking them when they were going to make a decision. I kind of rambled on.....I think I sounded like an idiot. I hope that they don't throw out my resume now...
I haven't heard from the internship that I interviewed for earlier this week but they said I might not until next week...I hope I get something.
It's 6:45.
Today I baked.
Please come back soon.
-me
Today, I baked. Well, I cooked. I made pesto potato salad (you would have loved it), gazpacho, and peach muffins. I also tried out a recipe for fruit leather--you know, that dried fruit stuff I used to always get at the supermarket. Everything was pretty good, minus the fruit leather. The fruit leather was a disaster.
You texted me and told me you told your family. I haven't told mine, I can't bear it. I signed up for a Twitter account today, for one of my classes. I can't really imagine myself twittering.
I called the school I applied to a job at and left a message asking them when they were going to make a decision. I kind of rambled on.....I think I sounded like an idiot. I hope that they don't throw out my resume now...
I haven't heard from the internship that I interviewed for earlier this week but they said I might not until next week...I hope I get something.
It's 6:45.
Today I baked.
Please come back soon.
-me
The Beginning of My Life Without You
Dear You,
Yesterday, my world fell apart. Literally, the sky fell in pieces around me.
You said you wanted to "take a break." You didn't say it, but I know that you need to search your soul. I don't think you've ever had to search your soul so deeply before so I think it must be hard for you. Hard to listen to the sounds of your soul. Hard to listen to the signs pointing you towards your personal legend.
So here it is, this blog, for you. It is a chronicle of my life without you. So that when you return (and I hope you will), you can see what was my life without you.
But it's also for me. So I can continue to share all my thoughts and daily life with you even though you're gone for now. And I hope that when you do come back (you will, I know it), you can see where I've been.
I love you. And I hope this break is over soon.
-Me
Yesterday, my world fell apart. Literally, the sky fell in pieces around me.
You said you wanted to "take a break." You didn't say it, but I know that you need to search your soul. I don't think you've ever had to search your soul so deeply before so I think it must be hard for you. Hard to listen to the sounds of your soul. Hard to listen to the signs pointing you towards your personal legend.
So here it is, this blog, for you. It is a chronicle of my life without you. So that when you return (and I hope you will), you can see what was my life without you.
But it's also for me. So I can continue to share all my thoughts and daily life with you even though you're gone for now. And I hope that when you do come back (you will, I know it), you can see where I've been.
I love you. And I hope this break is over soon.
-Me
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